I have been wanting to write about this topic for such a long time, because it has been one of the biggest challenges in my own healing journey and I witness it in my clients history as well. However, its a complicated topic to begin with and I did not know where to begin, until I watched the recent episode of CINAME THERAPY, were they covered the animation movie of COCO . They talked about Generational Trauma in a simple narrative way and It inspired me.
If you haven't watched COCO, I highly recommend it specially if you think that your pain and sufferings run into your family for generations. However if you are still confused about it I am going to explain to you what is "Generational Trauma" in the simplest way that I can..
So here we go...
To explain about "Generational Trauma" or "Trans-generational Trauma" (both are the same thing), first we must completely understand what is a "Trauma".
Trauma is a negative experience(s) in a person's life that causes harm and crucial injuries emotionally, physically and mentally. for example, Loss of a loved on, getting into a car accident, being in an abusive relationships... basically any negative life event(s) that affects us deeply and changes our brain and nervous system. People who have suffered a traumatic event become alert and live on survival mode whereby they develop defense mechanisms and coping strategies to help them deal with the trauma effects.
Now if we understand how untreated trauma can alter someones perception of reality, change their emotional response to life events and behavioural reaction to triggers, we may begin to grasp how one could pass on their trauma to their children and generations after. Because "Trauma" has fully impacted their personality and judgment, they may raise and treat their children as if they are trying to save them ( by default) from the same trauma that they have experienced in the past. Again, because they are automatically in survival mode and in their reality, world is not a safe place and everything and everyone is in danger.
Sometimes this is the source of mental struggles such as anxiety and depression, that is rooted in their DNA and they transfer it to next generation without being aware of it.
Generational Trauma that has been running in the families for decades is very hard to identify because it has been completely absorbed and dissolved into family's traditions and belief system. It has become part of their reality and sometimes going against those core beliefs, it is considered a taboo .
Spoiler alert
In the movie "COCO", Miguel's grand grand mother was abandoned by her father for the sake of music. So for the next two generations they hated music as they believed that it is the cause of their family's trauma of separation. Music makes you a bad person! That belief is so strong that they refuse to have any sort of musical instruments and hearings in the family... and because the great grand grand father was a musician, guess what happens to the grand child, Miguel ?!
Thats right! he finds interest in music and that is the start of the biggest family conflict...
How relatable is that to you ?!
Here is my Story...
I have personally, struggled with family conflicts, specially from my Iranian side as my mother's family had been through various traumas.
my grandma, married at 13 due to financial burdens. She lost her father and mother at very young age. She also had to learn to take care of her husband's family who were all living in a same household. She started having children by age of 14. She gave birth to 9 children and she lost one of her babies due to an unknown disease. Then there was war.. and after that she lost her husband to cancer.. and the list of unfortunate events continued as I have seen and been told.
Unfortunately, my perception of my grandma has always been negative. I never felt comfortable with her. She was always lecturing my mother and aunt/uncles to protect their children. Not to let them go outside, stay away from animals, be aware of strangers.. A lot of concerns and distress, something that I understand now but as a child it felt strict, invalidating and pressured. I could see the pattern with my cousins as well. We would only feel loved and accepted if we followed grandma's rules. Which sucked by the way.
Every time we travelled to Iran, I would find myself struggling mentally, even as young as 3 to 5 years old. I have always been the black sheep. My behaviour and habits would trigger my grandma. She believed that with the amount of freedom that my parents are giving to me ( I am a single child), I will not survive and have a bright future ahead. Because I was half foreigner, she could not have total control over me like her other grandchildren. That did not please her. She would look at me with pity, sadness and sometimes disapproval.
My mother was affected easily too. She dealt with anxiety and struggled with depression as long as I remember. There is a strong fear running in this family. Fear of death and getting sick, fear of not being accepted by other people, fear of judgements... and for some reason it kept on happening. My grandma always complained about her health issues.. They all struggle with their relationships and social status. Its like the more they fear these things, it happens to them more frequently.
After loosing my mother to cancer ( which was another additional trauma to the family which confirmed their fear) I knew I had to get away. I could no longer tolerate to go through life with the perception that everything out there is dangerous and I am not strong ENOUGH to live a free and happy life. It just did not sit right with me.
I knew my way of dealing with my trauma (losing my mother) was going to be a lot different of their ways. And I knew I could not grieve properly if I stayed there with them.
There was no way to change their mind either. My uncles and aunties immediate reaction towards me is to "fix " me. They have always wanted to take control of me by using criticism , unsolicited advice, judgments, passive aggressive comments to "correct" my ways of living, which was ultimately to be free from anxiety and the darkness of this fearful belief system. They could not see it. They were and still do up to this day, live in totally different reality than me.
So I left, I cut cords and disconnected from all of them. That was when I realised that how much of this fear and anxiety has already been rooted in me and has affected my personality. I got away but I had parts of them within me...
and it hurt me.. it hurt for very long time..
I would wake up with anxiety, I struggled with social anxiety, low self-esteem, abandonment issue, catch myself having argues and discussions with them in my head. nightmares. Not to mention I was also lonely. I just had lost my mother and that side of the family ( never been close to my father side of the family from the beginning as the grandma never did approve of them!).
Long story short...I had to undo all the generational trauma that has been running in this family and within me for all and once. Crazy work... not going to lie to you.. takes very long time.. great amount of energy and financial investment. But Absolutely worth it.
So what is Generational Trauma?
Its the pain that you carry that never actually belonged to you. Its the toxic belief system that runs a whole family based on negative experience(s).
As an adult and a therapist, now I have a different sense of compassion towards my grandmother. She did not deserve to go through all that sufferings. The pain of those negative and unfortunate experiences has caused deep injuries in her heart and mind. She lives with constant fear of losing her loved ones and all her life she believed that she needs to protect her children from those negative experiences. That is her way to deal with her traumas and she raised her children to be fearful of the same things. Unfortunately therapy and getting help for mental health has not been established in some societies. So they have no other choice than to adjust themselves with range of ways and sometimes very unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with their pain.
I came to an understanding that I can't take away their pain and I can't suffer that pain with them any longer. I can be an individual person with my own set of beliefs and still love and accept them as my family and relatives. I eventually connected back with them.
Did they trigger me again? for sure.. But the trigger did not last long enough to affect me more than it should.
And to be honest, I still get similar triggers from them time to time. Because they are still the same people with the same belief system and perception. They still try to give me unsolicited advice on how to look, behave, and basically live my life. They don't understand boundaries, and the anxiety and fear that they carry on for years. They just don't see it.
Its like you can't be aware of your nose, can you ? its part you and you can't see it unless you decide to look into the mirror.
Not everyone likes to look at the mirror and evaluate themselves.. and that's okay !
We are responsible for our own journey and healing.
Now I know I had the luxury of getting away and some people can't simply leave. But I don't think its the "leaving" that helps us heal buts its finding resources and getting the help that we need to heal, is what makes the biggest difference. I left...but nothing changed.. I didn't feel immediately better after disconnecting with them. Because as I said , I had been carrying them with me. they were part of me which I could not just cut off.
Similarly I don't encourage my clients to leave or to cut the relationships. Rather put the focus back on themselves and to do the inner-work.
Because at the end of the day we still want to feel belonged and be part of our family. We can't change people and their perception, but we can change and take control of our own perception. That is the way to heal Generational Trauma.
To be aware, identify and accept the trauma, acknowledge the pain and take conscious decision to separate from it.
Do you know why? Because someone from this family got to step out and end this cycle of trauma. The world is changing and the next generation doesn't deserve to be in the same box that once kept their family. Someone needs to heal from all of this pain and find a better way to deal with it.. and sometimes that person got to be you ...
Happy Healing
Comments